Tuesday, 18 November 2014

23 Lovecraftian Stories

  1. The DIY Lovecraftian Story
I like making slotted angles, but they don’t align quite the way they’re supposed to. Now I need to choose between a non-Euclidian plane and a regular hand plane.
  1. The Fill-In-The-Blanks Lovecraftian Story
Par s of m are miss ng. I haven t los  them. They’ e just dimens onal y anomal us. Th s  s wha hap ens wh n you mes  w th transdim nsion l creat res.
  1. The Erotic Lovecraftian Story
A shoggoth blossomed and was penetrated by tentacles. Now you know why the beast had a thousand young.
  1. The Missing Lovecraftian Story

  1. The Androgynous Lovecraftian Story
There was once a little girl and her name was Howard Philips.
  1. The Foodie’s Lovecraftian Story
In Dunwich, Soilent Green is fish. Want a side-order of ice cream with that?
  1. The Dead-End Job Lovecraftian Story
‘My name is Howie. I’m delighted to be selling you your tickets to this vapid cinematic production. I fear it will include the sounds of Negroid minstrelsy and was produced by an individual of Semitic ancestry. Even the popcorn is Native American.’
  1. The Missing Lovecraftian Story (For Real This Time)
The missing Lovecraftian was never found. But he kept copious notes right up until the moment he went missing, so we have a pretty good idea of what happened to him. Or we would, if he had the words to describe it.
  1. The Racially Integrated Lovecraftian Story
In Red Hook, a number of people from different cultures got together and decided to make a new religion cobbled together from bits and pieces of all their faiths. They were beats before the beats, hippies before the hippies, New Agers before the New Agers. And they threw the best parties ever.
  1. The Evolutionarily Accurate Lovecraftian Story
I realised to my horror that chimpanzees and humans last had common ancestors four to six million years ago, so my grandmother probably could not have been one of them.
  1. The Theological Lovecraftian Story
To what extent did Wilbur and his brother partake of the diabolical nature of their father? Was Wilbur two parts human and one part demon? Was Lavinia a vessel or was she diabolical too? We should hold a council and decide.
  1. The Cyberpunk Lovecraftian Story
When you jack into Cthulhuspace, you’ll never make it back sane.
  1. The Hard-Bitten Lovecraftian Story
Never mind the tentacles. That thing had teeth like pneumatic drills. Call me the perforated dick. I blame it all on the client, but what a dame.
  1. The Romantic Lovecraftian Story
I wandered the hills around Dunwich in a frock coat, my hair billowing in the winds, one with the elements, my emotions in turmoil, my tentacles awry. Would anyone ever understand the things that lurked in the depths of my soul?
  1. The Other Kind Of Romantic Lovecraftian Story
‘Oh, Asenath!’
‘Oh Edward!’
‘Who’s your daddy, Asenath?’
‘I am!’
  1. The Surreal Lovecraftian Story
I took up rooms in a house. It was a nice new house and all the lines met at right angles.
  1. Another Missing Lovecraftian Story
No, wait, it was actually written by August Derleth.
  1. The Forgotten Lovecraftian Story
Also known as Sweet Ermengarde. Best left forgotten.
  1. The Splatterpunk Lovecraftian Story
The shoggoth buried its tentacles in his eyes, pulling them out of their sockets in a welter of gore and brain-stuff while elsewhere it clawed at his belly, letting loose the gases and acids and half-digested food within.
  1. The Kim Harrison Lovecraftian Story
‘Have we been tentacled again?’ ‘Pop culture reference.’ ‘Sequel hook.’
  1. The Richard Laymon Lovecraftian Story
Things really started getting wild when the shoggoths found their way to the sorority house.
  1. The 1990s Paperback Horror Anthology Lovecraftian Story
Man, a lot of rock stars are dead. I’m going to quote some of their lyrics. Hey, groupies. Oh, Yog-Sothoth!
  1. The Last Lovecraftian Story
Even as I scribble these words crawling chaos is consuming the last few remnants of the physical univer